My solution for all the world's problems

Wherein our intrepid author boldly goes where only 50,000 blogs have dared go before

Disclaimer: The thoughts and opinions shown herein are merely the opinions and posits of this author, who considers himself to be a legend in his own mind. While the following manifesto may cause riots or outright mass hysteria, the author hereby is indemnified from any and all effects that may or may not result, including outbreaks of crop circles or reruns of The Bobby Goldsboro Show. Don't say you weren't warned.

I've given all the world's problems a lot of thought. And I have the solution. It may come as a shock to most of you, but the world's a mess. Our polar ice caps are melting. The world is threatened by terrorism. Baseball players and owners can barely get along. Movie star couples routinely break up. Mac and PC owners are shooting at each other on LA freeways. And the recording industry is threatening to take over the world, unless Bill Gates gets there first.

Worst of all, several popular lipstick colors are now unavailable. What's a girl to do?

We've got pollution. We've got Arabs and Israelis at each other's throats. And now, Lance Bass can't even go into outer space. Rancor is everywhere. How much more can this planet take?

I think I have the solution: turn control of the world over to the animals. Since the world's going to the dogs, why not just give it to them?

We've always gone on the assumption that humans, or homo sapiens, are the supreme creatures on this planet. Look where assuming gets us. When is it going to get through our thick hominid skulls that this is patently false?

Think it over for a second. Dolphins actually have a larger cerebral area than any human, including Martha Stewart. They don't just merely communicate by sound; it is believed that they actually communicate in a manner approaching interactive TV. And ask yourself: can you jump that high?

I didn't think so. Besides, research suggests that Dolphins may have actually once been land creatures that went back to sea. That should tell you something.

Then there are cats. For my money, I'm convinced that they are actually the supreme beings on this earth. Just ask one.

Try this: place a cat in your house. Give it two, maybe three weeks tops. I'll bet you lunch that in that time, the cat will have taken over. Try it if you don't believe me. I'll tell you that in my house, we know who's boss.

It ain't us.

A perfect example: last night, it was fairly cool in our area of southern California. My wife and I are comfortably under the covers, sleeping off a very busy working weekend. (If we're so damned smart, why do we work all the time? Think about it.) By 4 AM, Java, our cat, had moved in. Snuggling herself next to me for my warmth, this 12 lb. feline managed to gradually move me out of the bed and take over the warm spot. Now, help me here. I must weigh a paltry (you can use other words to describe me) 200 lbs. And, as I mentioned, my cat weighs in at 12 lbs. Explain to me how a 12 lb. cat can move a sleeping 200 lb. man. Go ahead. Try.

Well doggone it, I don't know about you. But I think we humans have made a mess of things. And the more we try to fix things up, the bigger the mess we make. So, why not let the animals have a shot at it? The cats and dogs would rule the land. (That oughta be fun.) The dolphins would rule the seas. Lions would keep humans in line and if we start messing up the oceans, we'll have to explain it to the men in the grey suits (Australian for Shark, mate).

Result: world order restored. Besides, cats and dogs are pretty cute. Instead of being so damned self-important, we cede responsibility to our furry friends. And instead of waging war against each other, we'll be forced to spending our days playing with animals. Or surfing with dolphins. In my book, that's not a bad deal.

That was simple. Next problem.