With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Today, 230 unsolicted e-mails were waiting for me in my Hotmail Inbox, including:

- Real Results (for what??)
- An offer for a Free bottle of hgh
- A threat that my account will be DELETED. (For what I have NO idea.)
- An offer for a New Short Mortage Form
- A way to earn 5% per month from my investment
- An unwanted solicitation to meet FREE YOUNG PETITE BABES
- Techniques to read anyone's criminal and FBI files
- A new way to enlarge my penis
- Vulgar photos of Ashley Judd
- A woman by the name of Chastity Flower offering advice on how I can reduce the cost of my debts
- A lesson in how to hypnotize women into bed
- An offer on debt consolidation
- An offer to save $500 on home improvement
- A FREE teen hardcore Website
- Free info on how to work from home
- An offer to save thousands in under one minute
- Individual dental plans starting at $99 per year
- A 5.25% mortgage
- An offer to become debt free
- A BIG MONEY opportunity
- Judicial judgments child support
- HAHAHA LOL. (Okay. Whatever.)
- An offer on how to get free porn. (Like I wanted it to begin with.)
- 50-70% off quality inkjet cartridges
- Viagra with 24 hour global shipping
- An offer to feel young again
- A One-time offer
- An announcement that I'm a winner. (Thank God I'm not a loser.)
- Helpful septic tank information
- An offer to believe it so, and make it happen
- A way to meet hot, lonely housewives (Should I send them an air conditioner?)
- Free Viagra samples
- Photos of my naked sister (one problem: I don't have a sister)
- Good news about herpes. (There is?)
- Discount steroids
- $5,000 gold card (guaranteed)
- Vinyl siding for my home
- Financial Pyramid scheme instructions
- A way to stop paying taxes legally. (What a relief! And to think I've been doing this illeagally all these years.)
- Instructions on how to fix damaged credit
- Somebody telling me that I need a vacation (even though I'm on one now)
- Training on how to be a loan officer
- A free teeth whitening system. (Damn. I was hoping for a teeth yellowing system.)
- A deal of a lifetime
- Toilet cam pix
- Lonely but married people waiting to meet me. (But I'm already married. One's enough, thanks.)
- A way to copy and play DVDs now