The Blob

Monday, August 11, 2003

Bill Versus the Volcano

Whether you have a PC or not, you probably have um, issues, with Microsoft, that little company from Redmond, Washington. It's the company that everybody loves to hate while they keep on buying their products. Now, don't get me wrong: I buy their products too. And to their credit, they do a lot of things right. But what gets me about them is their Borg-like drive to want to control, own and dominate everything on Earth. But hey? Why stop there?

I think I found something that just might: Mt. Rainier.

Yes, boys and girls, stately Mt. Rainier, the beautiful, white-capped volcanic mountain that breathtakingly dominates the vista from downtown Seattle. Did I mention it was a volcano? In fact, it is considered an active volcano. In my last visit to Seattle, I stopped to admire its grandeur. Its steep slopes and massive height make for a compelling sight. But if you're a geologist or volcanologist, that's the sign of an explosive volcano just waiting to happen.

Think Pompeii.

Anyway, I was reading this rather unsettling article on the MSNBC Web site and it got me thinking. What if the big one happened, and buried the interplanetary headquarters of Microsoft under (use your Dr. Evil voice here) millions of tons of hot magma. That would delay the rollout of Longhorn, the promised next version of Microsoft Windows even more than it already is.

In fact, I could see a movie version of this starring Bill Gates: there he stands, checkbook boldly outstretched before him in the face of a violent, onrushing, superheated, ever-widening pyroclastic flow. As the good people of Seattle cower in fear behind him, the rush of superheated magma, rock, mud and steam suddenly screeches to a grinding halt. Yet again, Bill emerges triumphant.

Sound too fantastic to believe? Maybe not. Just ask the Department of Justice.

(Author's note: my hope is that the people of Washington never face such a calamity. It is an incredibly beautiful area. And damnit, I love, no make that need their coffee.)

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