Food loves me. It really, really loves me.
I have a theory about food and me. No matter how careful I try to be, I always manage to turn my clothes into a painter's canvas of food. My wife is horrified. My cat doesn't associate with me any more. I have brought shame and dishonor on my ancestors. Stumped, I gave a lot of thought on why this happens.
My theory: food loves me. It wants to stick to me. Oh, and my clothes too.
I've searched scientific texts on why this is so. And today, I made an amazing discovery: I am positively charged, and food is negatively charged. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
Want proof? Allow me to digress. I recall when I was a little kid growing up in Minnesota, my grandmother would visit in the winter. Some of my earliest memories of her were painful ones. If you've spent a winter in Minnesota, you know that a house gets incredibly dry inside when you're heating it to protect you from -40 winters. Add to that a wool carpet (we're talkin' the 1950s) and you have a man-made lightning storm for static electricity. And sure enough, when my grandmother picked me up to kiss me, lightning bolts of, say, um 20,000,000,000,000,000 amps would jump out of her lips. Now that's kinky.
The same was true when you had a key in your hands. In Minnesota, you quickly learn to hold a key about a 1/4" from the door. It's fun to watch the blue arc of electricity jump from the key to the door. Or when you jump into bed on a bitterly cold night, the static in the sheets would cause lightning to arc under the blankets. Weird but true. It's just plan dangerous living there.
But back to food. I did an experiment at lunch to confirm my theory. I walked through a food court at a local shopping center, carefully observing things. Sure enough, because I was positively charged, blobs of negatively charged food came hurling through the doors and slamming onto my clothes. And I suspect that's why I'm not as svelte as I once was.
All this leads me to my last point: free radicals. You can't go to a health food store without reading about the dangers of free radicals. There are antitoxidant vitamins up the wazoo to fight them. This fails to explain why so many people who look like free radicals frequent health food stores, but that's a blog for another day. But I figured it out that being born positively charged (and a minority of us are), I'm a target for the negatively charged free radicals. Given that I live in California, I have now managed to explain why Democratic politics in the state is dangerous to people's health, and how food sticks to my clothes.
Yes, I know. It was a long and convoluted blog, but worth it. I managed to show how the Democrats are a bunch of negatively charged free radicals and that they are to blame for staining my clothes. Do you think I can sue them for this? There's gotta be an angle here. Thoughts anyone?
I have a theory about food and me. No matter how careful I try to be, I always manage to turn my clothes into a painter's canvas of food. My wife is horrified. My cat doesn't associate with me any more. I have brought shame and dishonor on my ancestors. Stumped, I gave a lot of thought on why this happens.
My theory: food loves me. It wants to stick to me. Oh, and my clothes too.
I've searched scientific texts on why this is so. And today, I made an amazing discovery: I am positively charged, and food is negatively charged. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
Want proof? Allow me to digress. I recall when I was a little kid growing up in Minnesota, my grandmother would visit in the winter. Some of my earliest memories of her were painful ones. If you've spent a winter in Minnesota, you know that a house gets incredibly dry inside when you're heating it to protect you from -40 winters. Add to that a wool carpet (we're talkin' the 1950s) and you have a man-made lightning storm for static electricity. And sure enough, when my grandmother picked me up to kiss me, lightning bolts of, say, um 20,000,000,000,000,000 amps would jump out of her lips. Now that's kinky.
The same was true when you had a key in your hands. In Minnesota, you quickly learn to hold a key about a 1/4" from the door. It's fun to watch the blue arc of electricity jump from the key to the door. Or when you jump into bed on a bitterly cold night, the static in the sheets would cause lightning to arc under the blankets. Weird but true. It's just plan dangerous living there.
But back to food. I did an experiment at lunch to confirm my theory. I walked through a food court at a local shopping center, carefully observing things. Sure enough, because I was positively charged, blobs of negatively charged food came hurling through the doors and slamming onto my clothes. And I suspect that's why I'm not as svelte as I once was.
All this leads me to my last point: free radicals. You can't go to a health food store without reading about the dangers of free radicals. There are antitoxidant vitamins up the wazoo to fight them. This fails to explain why so many people who look like free radicals frequent health food stores, but that's a blog for another day. But I figured it out that being born positively charged (and a minority of us are), I'm a target for the negatively charged free radicals. Given that I live in California, I have now managed to explain why Democratic politics in the state is dangerous to people's health, and how food sticks to my clothes.
Yes, I know. It was a long and convoluted blog, but worth it. I managed to show how the Democrats are a bunch of negatively charged free radicals and that they are to blame for staining my clothes. Do you think I can sue them for this? There's gotta be an angle here. Thoughts anyone?
posted by Brian at
6:19 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home